Oh To Be A CAT! Help Needed!

I am quite new to this marriage phenomenon, having launched myself into it at, shall we say, a slightly advanced age.  This left me with certain life expectations.  Oh and by the way, don’t tell me this post has nothing to do with animals for today, I perceive my basket case husband as precisely that.

My expectations of “normality” revolve around such idiotic ideas as follows:

  • When you are tired – go to bed.
  • When in bed – go to sleep.

Oh to be a cat!

Now, I understand that, having lived the selfish single life for more years than I care to mention, I might be mistaken.  This is where I need your help, for what I have experienced during married life goes along the following, completely different lines:

  • When tired – tell wife to go to bed.
  • Tell wife you are switching off your computer and then play some absurd fantasy game with other wayward husbands, somewhere off in the global ether we now call the internet.
  • Occasionally, whilst playing ridiculous game, call out to wife to make sure she doesn’t do anything absurd like fall asleep.  Shout out, into the quiet of the dark night, that you love her (because that, apparently, forgives all evils).
  • Having kept wife awake for a suitable amount of time, come to bed with a stupid little guilty grin and proceed to try to cuddle her – the purpose of which I assume is related to the “I love you, my sweetheart” from above.
  • Allow wife to get really comfortable and start drifting off into the sleep of angels (yes, of course I am one – I do nothing wrong).
  • As the calming blanket of sleep begins to envelop wife, bounce (I have now realized men have absolutely no ability to simple step) out of bed, declaring your need for a sandwich.  Well of course you need a sandwich, after all, you only had a full dinner and pudding.  How can a grown man be expected to survive on that!
  • Do not, under any circumstances, make a soft sandwich.  It is imperative, apparently, to make a sandwich containing as much crunchy material as you can muster.  In last nights’ case, this included cucumber, red/yellow/green peppers and, of course, some onion (the latter being designed to ensure that you can also smell the sandwich).
  • Throw yourself back into bed, preferably with enough momentum to bounce your wife right off the other side.  Settle in gleefully and munch, crunch and chomp your way through your delightful midnight snack, all the while protesting to a now grumbling wife that “but it’s only a sandwich”!  Sound as much life a small, deprived child whilst saying this.
  • Having now sufficiently ensured that sleep will evade your wife, finish the sandwich and immediately, without a seconds breath in between, fall into a deep and peaceful slumber, accompanied by the symphonic notes of snoring (just in case your wife might be able to pretend you are now also, unable to sleep).

Is this normal?  Am I simply too used to the selfishness of single life?

And for anyone still insisting that this has nothing to do with animals – the cats slept on the bed, unmoved or troubled, throughout the entire episode.

Oh to be a cat!

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45 Comments

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45 responses to “Oh To Be A CAT! Help Needed!

  1. HAHAHAHA! My Mum says she believes every word of this… 🙂

  2. I am so glad to find out I’m not going mad

  3. I’ve had a chat with my female biped and she says to treat him like a puppy – set some ground rules and reward the behaviour you want to encourage. She said it takes years to train them, you need loads of patience!

  4. My Mom said it’s a matter of training – just like she had to do with ME when I came to live here. Time to sit the hubby down and give him a lesson or two! My Mom says it’s important to start that husband training thing right away or they develop habits that are tough to break!

    Kitty Hugs, Sammy

    • I am starting puppy training my husband with immediate affect. I fear I may have left it a little late and re-conditioning his behaviour might prove time consuming. However, we will persevere in the hopes that he can become as well behaved a husband as you are a cat. Thanks for your advice.

  5. Hahahahaha…I don’t knows you but DANG dis was HILARIOUS! My dad lived as a bachelor until 40…when him and mum gotted hitched so we are all to aware of bein’ set in ways and all dat stuffs.
    We nevers move eithers by da way…well, off da couch anyways.
    And I LOVES your side bar thingy bouts protectin’ your MOTHER…too freakin’ funny!

    Puddles

  6. cumbria01

    My OH tried training me. She gave up in the end. Muttering it’s easier to train dogs and cats.

  7. Don’t get my Humom on about me Dad. Dad doesn’t get into bed, he jumps, being a lot larger that Humom, she is then catapolted out of the bed! Humen don’t just turn over in bed, they seem to do it by bouncing 2 foot into the air, again, Humom’s catapolted out of de bed! Just when Humom has finally settled down, the SNORING!! starts, heck! how comes they never wake themselves up, wiv all that racket. Humom could go on and on. Married life is great, until yooo’s wanna go to sleep 🙂 Don’t expect to get you’re 8 hours anymore, lucky if ya get 2 or 3. 🙂 And they have the cheek to call us moody in the mornings! I wonders why!! 🙂
    Big huggie’s Mollie and Humom, she had to help me with this one x
    PEE-ES I’ve tried the training, nah, it don’t work! But a pillow over de head when the snoring starts, seems to help. lol x

  8. Great – had a good giggle about the pillow – definitely going to try it. Glad to hear I’m not alone though – you’d think a life time of getting in and out of bed would be enough for them to learn how to do it!

    • Nah, they are like children. I won’t let mine eat in the bed!! Start as you mean to go on 🙂 get a ” NO FOOD ” sign and put it on you’re bedroom door! 🙂 x

      • Ok then, puppy training, followed by pillows over the fact, followed by “No Food” signs on the door – I’ll let you know how it all turns out (might take a couple of years though) 🙂

  9. Chancy and Mumsy

    Mumsy says sometimes you have to take desperate measures and go with separate beds because in some cases nothing else works. We hope you get it all worked out and not have to go that far though. Wishing you all the luck. Hugs

  10. Seems marginally early in the marriage to resort to separate beds – hmmm, not liking that idea. Will just have to work harder at puppy training him

  11. this was hilarious!!
    First, I have a strong feeling I am waaaay older than you, I am on marriage number 2 and for the first one I didn’t marry until I was 40!!! I am now 56…..

    I am embarrassed to say that I am like your husband when it comes to everything above except the SANDWICH!!

    I am often blogging into the wee hours of the morning and I am simply obsessed with Words With Friends!! When i finally come into bed at around 2am I promptly start TALKING…yes….TALKING!!!

    I say, RELAX!! at least you know whose bed your husband is IN….YOURS! 🙂

    • Indeed. Hadn’t thought about that one. At least I do l know which bed he is in. Good advise, although I’m still going to train the hell out of it. If I can, I might just have to forward the techniques to your hubby, who clearly needs help

  12. I am not one to give advice. If I ever marry, it too will be at an advanced age. But what you write seems typical of my brothers’ behavior with their wives and the husbands of friends. And so the phrase “training your husband” comes up time and again. Guess the puppy training method is the best way to go!!! 😀

  13. Oh, boy…I feel your pain! After being together with my hubby for 12 years and married for almost 5, I still feel that the male species is a difficult animal community to properly access! I’m sure they feel the same way about us females! 😉

  14. Yeh, well both 3 year old and my 4 year old chihuahua sleep in bed with mommy. Interesting eh? Unfortunately, I work late hours and often fall asleep in the office. But it’s good to know everyone is sleeping soundly on a king size bed, while i snuggle up to pillow on a twin size. Ah, married with children.

  15. Hey it’s Jet here. Hi Miss Susan.

    Mom’s still guffawing (vocab builder) as she is now in the opposite stage of life. She had all that whilst married and now is living the selfish single life: no more midnight setting off the alarm, midnight snacks, snoring so loud said husband wakes himself!, listening to television so loud you can hear from the other end of house, banging of the toilet seat (when he remembered!), business phone calls (clients jailed at crazy hours)… now she just deals with the four legged interruptions (who us?) and the teenager! Long way of saying… Miss Susan, it’s NOT YOU!

  16. Love this…, just love it:)!

  17. And THIS is why Hubby and I slumber in separate beds…peacefully.

  18. What a delightful post.
    And what a job of hubby training you have ahead.
    Thank you so much for the visit.
    Damn, I should have said that first. 🙂

  19. I am so happy you found my blog and left your comment, because that led to my finding your blog! Happiness prevails!

  20. Now we know why, in the olden days, couples had separate rooms.

  21. Roly

    LOL Us guys are soooooooo misunderstood 🙂

    • No, truly, I understand completely. It is cruel and unkind to expect a man to make it through the night without a midnight feast but please, could you guys not do it bed? Maybe have one in the kitchen, or lounging in front of the TV. Possible????

  22. Roly

    Thought this might help
    1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in nappies.

    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

    3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

    4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

    5. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

    6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

    7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

    9. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.

    10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

  23. Say – just checking in to see how the husband training is coming along AND to tell you I nominated you for a blog award on my blog this morning! http://onespoiledcat.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/blog-on-fire/

    Kitty Hugs, Sammy

    • Sammy, thank you. I really, really appreciate the award. Bouncing all over the place now. Will do a post on it tomorrow!

      Regarding hubby/puppy training – all is going a little slow (appears men are a bit slower than animals in the Learning New Behaviour department – tut, tut).

  24. Heh heh, my best friend @heatheralex loved it! Says that’s why she’s single. On the other hand, I am the model of good behaviour when sleeping on the bed (which I am sort of allowed to do) unless of course I am ill with a poorly tummy, and then I wake her up every hour on the hour to make me feel better.

  25. Oh, yes. Marriage brings problems, problems, problems………………..and lots of love!

    I used to think I wanted to come back in my next life as a dog, but I have since decided I want to be a spoiled cat. Dogs have to fetch, roll over, shake………..I just want to eat, poop, sleep, and have someone rub my tummy………….lol

  26. BWAA HA HA! Too true, hilarious! My fella seems incapable of rolling over in the night without launching himself into the air like a breaching whale and then plummeting like a boulder back onto the mattress. It’s like trying to sleep on a bouncy castle.

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