Cough Up For The Cats – It’s National Cats Day!

Here in South Africa, we don’t tend to have the multitude of “National Whatever” days.  I swear, overseas they seem to have one for everything.  I’m sure we’ll see one for “National I Don’t Feel Like Blogging Today” day.  However, this is a specifically fantastic one that I was notified about by the wonderful blog The Presents of Presence.  Today, the 29^th of October, is NATIONAL CAT DAY!  Now that’s worth paying attention to!

We LOVE each other! This is how we sleep!

So, let’s make it an Official South African NATIONAL ADOPT A CAT DAY.  If you can’t adopt a cat, maybe you can help a cat in need.

Why not hop over to the Cat-A-Holics website and see what a fantastic place they have.  They are always in need of food, blankets, donations or anything else you can think of.  You can contact me at susan at dcrprocess dot co dot za if you have anything you would like to donate to them.  I will ensure they receive it, with big smiles and lots of virtual hugs from a multitude of fabulous felines!

This post is Officially approved by:

 

Shadow the Charlatan .  I’m fully grown – how cute am I?

Jittery Jangles. My True Beauty – looking like an oil painting here.

AND

Sabre – the Ruler (still a kitten here)

We are all adopted and we are all Superb Souls!

Rags to Riches! Rummaging to Royalty!

Litchi was a street urchin.  She had no name.  She rummaged for her food, pounding the streets, hunting down mere morsels to the point that her nails were worn down to the quick.  She got shoved away, clearly scolded (if not worse) for going to the toilet anywhere (she still has issues about relieving herself) and had, quite obviously, never received a kind touch from a person in her life.  She was only about 5 months old.

That might be how her life began but, fear not, this was one little urchin destined for greatness!  We know this because she now rules the roost (if not Sabre, the cat) at home, was named, by His Royal Highness (my Dad), Lady Litchfield.  Has been bestowed the honour of Empress of Bordeaux by Doggy and has now….. wait for it…… received her first Royal Package! 

Imagine the expressions on my parents faces as they collected the mail, only to find THIS:

Royal Mail – Addressed to Lady Litchfield!!

Our dearest, most wonderful friends Mollie & Alfie had sent, by Royal Mail no less, the most impressive package (no human in this family has received such a remarkable item in the mail)

Inside were the best treats Litchi has EVER HAD!  She LOVES them!  Apparently, so do the cats.  I was silly enough to leave the package out once I got home and was greeted to a house full of strewn wrapping in the morning and half devoured dog treats!  That’ll teach me.

The BEST Dog Treats EVER!!! With a Peace Offering Note

I’m assuming the “Peace Offering” from Mollie is her desperate attempt to gain forgiveness for stealing Easy from Litchi.  Oh alright then – you’re forgiven!

Litchi, amazingly, is not food orientated (why would training her have been made any easier for me?).  However, she immediately lost the plot on receiving this gift.  I tried, please believe me, to get a photograph of her but she instantly forgot her now Royal Status and went nuts.  I couldn’t keep her still for a second.  Best we managed was this:

Looking something like a HALLOWEEN DOG GONE WRONG!

Followed by a blurry version of Litchi, looking like this:

Blurry but Nearly Still

Thank you Mollie & Alfie for our Royal Receipt!

Might have taken over 4 weeks to get here but it was worth the wait!

How To Train A Gremlin – Part 2: Essential Training Methodologies

Having ascertained you are hosting the sub-species Gremlin Edo-Manduco-Interneto (loosely translated – Gremlin Eat Chew Internet), you may now use the following Idiots Guide to Gremlin Training to tame the beast.

Gremlin in Halloween Costume. I wouldn’t really have thought it necessary!

Step 1 – contact “mobile company”.  Inform them you have absolutely no internet connection.  Plead with them, as you have lost weeks of work.  DO NOT tell them your major concern is a lack of blogging ability (they will not take you seriously.  Lie blatantly if required).

Step 2 – follow gazillions of pointless directions from call desk operator.  You have tried these routes.  They Do Not work!  But, in the interest of humanity, give the guy a chance to feel like he is useful.  Complete call knowing you have achieved nothing!

Note: You may skip points one and two as they are utterly pointless!

Step 3 – get hubby to contact “mobile company”.  Leave premises!  This is going to be ugly.

Step 4 – receive call from “mobile company”.  Call should go as follows:

“Hello, my name is “S”, are you going to shout at me?”

Me “I left that up to my husband.  I just want some internet connection.”

S “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be able to hear you”

Me “That’s because there is no network reception!”

S “I still can’t hear you.  You seem to be breaking up.” No lies dude!

Me “Exactly!  It’s because I HAVE NO RECEPTION!”  I might just be shouting at this point but he can’t hear me so it doesn’t count.

S “Do you have a landline I could phone you on?”

Me – provides landline number

Step 5 – receive call from “mobile company” on your landline?!?

S “Oh, that’s much better.  I can hear you now”

Me “Yes!  Are you beginning to understand my problem?”

S – very nervous giggle.  “We are going to organize a booster for you”

Me “Fantastic.  When I can get this?”

S “This may take some time.  There are many procedures to go through”

Me “Brilliant.  I shall forgo all work for an indefinite period whilst you go through your procedures!”

S “Thank you for your understanding.  Have a good day.”

What?? “Have a good day” when my arms and legs have been viciously mauled by a Gremlin and I am now a rolly polly hopeless body of blub?

Step 6 – wait a minimum of a week for urgent booster installation.  Hmm, the joys of Africa!

That completes our in-depth study of Gremlin Behaviour and Training Techniques.  We’re Back! 

Now for the catch-up!  Wish me luck.

How To Train A Gremlin – Part 1: The Physiology and Ethology of Gremlins

I hereby pronounce myself The Gremlin Whisperer.  After having studied these misunderstood creatures for a stupendous amount of time (well, about 3 weeks now), I can impart the following essential information:

Gremlins are very really seen.  This is not because they are shy or afraid (quite the opposite, in fact).  It is due to their astonishing speed.  This speed rendered my camera completely useless but, through utter dedication to the cause, I managed to gather data from brief glimpses and have sketched my rendition of a police identification drawing.

 

THE GREMLIN

Diet:

• The Gremlins primary source of sustenance is Internet Connection Bandwidth.  It has an insatiable appetite and feeds consistently throughout the day and night.  Its metabolism appears to allow it to survive with little sleep, requiring only brief naps.  Nap duration ranges between a few seconds to a maximum of 2 minutes.

Fur:

• Although at a quick glance, it might appear that a Gremlin has fur, do not be fooled!  Rather, they possess a covering of metallic-like spikes which grow in all directions.  This allows the fur to attract bandwidth signal from any internet connection within its vicinity.

Tongue:

• A Gremlins tongue is covered with octopus like suckers.  The tongue is used to suction the internet connection off the metallic fur spikes on which has been captured.  I have spent many weeks maliciously hoping that it would at least hurt itself on the needle sharp spikes but to no avail.  I have to deduce that the tongue is very leathery and immune to punctures.

Teeth:

• The Gremlins teeth are forked, assisting in the prevention of tongue injury.  The forked teeth scrape the spikes, bringing internet connection towards their surface, allowing the tongues’ suckers to safely suction it in.

The Gremlins generally vicious nature renders it extremely difficult to train.  I do believe, however, that it can be achieved and am in the process of performing this daunting task.

There is not, unfortunately, a “quick fix” method and I fear that it may still be some time before I have connectivity reliable enough to allow me to perform more than a simple “like” on anyone’s blog, or to reply to any comments which I have received.  All comments and replies I attempt, get instantly sucked into the Gremlins fur and consumed with utter delight.  A delighted Gremlin is a very scary sight!

This post is, once again, composed in Word, with the hope that I can do a quick “copy and paste” during a ritual nap.  It remains to be seen.

I, therefore, request the patience of my blogging friends as my apparent rudeness continues.  Once training is complete, a massive “catch up” exercise shall begin and all shall be rectified.

A detailed step by step Gremlin Training Guide will follow in the next post.

Wishing you all a fabulous and Gremlin Free weekend!

Gremlins are animals too, you know!

This blog is about animals.  Animals in need, to be precise.  Gremlins must, therefore, be animals, for today they are the subject of my post.

To all the splendiferous blogs who may be feeling somewhat neglected and un-patronized lately, please understand that I am currently the recipient of a very large Gremlin, who must be in need, as he has set up residence here.

I have trained dogs before.  One Sunday my dear, long suffering Mother, taking one look at the latest “forever” cat, said “well, you can’t train cats, you know!”  By the following weekend, when she braved the zoo, I had trained the cat to “sit”, “look at the sky” and “look at my face”, all nicely performed, on command.

You’d think, therefore, that a Gremlin would pose little problem.  You would be wrong!

As part of my initiative to provide information on as many species as I encounter, I can now officially inform you that Gremlins Are Not Trainable!  They Do Not Listen!

My current, rather stubborn-minded (nearly said pig-minded, until I remembered I actually like pigs) Gremlin, visited me well over a week ago.  It is still here.  It has not informed me as to the nature of its need dilemma.  It does not appear to need food as my kitchen is still in one piece.  Love and cuddles do not appear to be a requirement.  I have put much effort into re-homing it, finding many suitable forever homes but it steadfastly refuses to leave.  It would appear that for the foreseeable future, my zoo shall encompass a Gremlin.

I have ascertained its particular likes.  It has a fondness, not for food, but for the consumption of internet connection.  It seems to feed constantly though the day.  A little bit like a cat, I guess.  Gremlins like to nibble away steadily.  Unlike cats, they do not take breaks for general ablutions or “the crazies” game time.  They are, however, much like cats in their hunting ability.  Their stealth is astonishing, allowing internet connection to briefly show itself, begin to feel quietly comfortable before being Pounced upon and killed in one swipe.

These never before researched facts about Gremlins are important for the following reasons:

• The blogs I love will think I have deserted them
  • This is not the case.  Whilst the Gremlin is still in “prowl” mode, I jump onto a site, read like a demon possessed librarian and hit the “like” button with the speed of a chameleon’s tongue.  Sometimes I’m lucky.
• The blogs which manage to avoid the savages of the Gremlin and acquire themselves a “like” are, as always, supposed to have received a comment.
• It would appear that I have yet to master typing at the speed of a chameleon’s tongue.
  • Firstly, had I have done so, the chances are that I would be making far too much money doing something with that skill to be blogging at all.
  • Secondly, the blogs I read would have seen comments which, for the most part, is simply not happening.
• Any comment received in the past week have been typed and “posted” so many times that I nearly forget what site I’m reading, let alone what I was trying to say.

Please do not think me rude.  I am reading all the posts.  I simply require the assistance of a Gremlin Whisperer in order to let you know I have done so.  So, whilst I tend and care for my new Gremlin, I hereby give up on commenting.  If you get a “like”, consider yourself very fortunate indeed (maybe buy a lotto ticket – it is definitely your lucky day!).  If you do not, please have blind faith that I have read your post.  For those who have not read this post, I’m afraid there is little I can do to let you know.  Then again, if they have not read this, then I guess I have no real reason to feel guilt.

Whilst I await my Gremlin Whispered, please promise me 2 things.

• Firstly, that you will accept a simply “like” as a clever, witty and probably hilarious comment in response to your brilliance.
• Secondly, that you will visit me in the loony-bin, to which I am rapidly heading.

(This post has been typed in word and, hopefully, copied into WordPress.  It has no pictures, as Gremlins appear to find these particularly delicious.  I have no idea when it might appear as I have yet to successfully judge a Gremlins appetite).

5hrs 15min since first attempt to post this.

Random Act of Kindness

This is my first ever attempt at doing a re-blog.  Let’s hope I got it right.

Internet connection disaster and all, I somehow managed to read this post on Barb’s Blog and simply cannot resist.  This post touches me in so many ways.  It’s a South African story, it’s an unusual act of kindness and it was towards an animal in need.

Random Act of Kindness.

Sometimes it is worth having faith in human nature!

MINUS MISCHIEF MONDAY

We would dearly like to do a post today – especially a Mischief one.  However, as you can see, Litchi is in no state to do anything!

After Party Hangover (2 days later, I might add!)

Zero Zeal!

Apparently, my internet connection feels the same way.  It has taken approximately 10 attempts, thus far, to post this.  My apologies, therefore, to all whose posts I have not manage to read.  Don’t blame me – blame the party!  It seems to have affected all telecommunications throughout Litchi’s colony, South Africa.

To all South African’s battling with networks – Litchi would say “sorry”, if she were awake!

MEANDERING MOLLIE PAWTY!

LADY LITCHFIELD LOVE, EMPRESS OF BORDEAUX, WEARING HER STUNNING CROWN AND COLLAR OF EXOTIC FLOWERS DESIGNED BY THE FAB-FOUR PIGGIES

This spectacular amuse bouche is being held in honour of the awesome animals who united in a spectacular display of courage and conviction in order to, they believed, rescue a dog in need.  Mollie, the “damsel in distress”, turned out not to be Dapper Doggy’s hostage but was, rather, cavorting around Vegas with the Errant Easy, who’s ransom note had demanded Lobsters? In the words of the The Colonialist “What Mobster wants Lobster?”

Festivities had been planned for the safe return of Mollie but, due to her somewhat less than desirable conduct, the reunion party is now officially a Meandering Mollie Party!

The Guest of Dishonour Honour, Mollie, arrived in South Africa in great style, aboard a yacht and, to the shock of all concerned, was travelling with, not only the always Admirable Alfie but, also, with the Errant Easy, who had been the cause of her fall from grace.

After having managed to cover her skimpy yacht attire and don a more fashionable evening gown, she strode down the red carpet, totting her clutch bag easily in one paw and, briefly, behaving like a true lady.

However, after a few bottles glasses of Bordeaux’s finest wines, the true Blonde Vixen returned.  You tell me – Damsel in Distress or Overly-Vivacious Vixen?

No wonder the Errant Easy was unable to resist her wily ways and left Litchi to lament her loss.

Errant Easy, for his part, arrived with great aplomb, swaggering down the red carpet sporting his finest tuxedo, which we later found out was not un-buttoned due to his desire to appear casually elegant but, rather, due to having over-indulged in ice-cream!  Mollie and Easy continued to flaunt their flirtatious fling, dancing the night away with abandon.  We believe that they make a perfect couple!

Dapper Doggy, being in great favour with Lady Litchi (having bestowed upon her the title of Empress) arrived looking splendid in his cravat.  However, having now conquered the majority of the world, he finds he now requires his blonde wig disguise in order to throw off the paparazzi.

Princess Zena arrived in perfect Royal Style, carrying her crown on her head with the ease of one born into high society and impressing all with her jeweled gown.

A few glasses of delicately sipped wine soon dispelled her inhibitions and she transformed into a most lively Cleopatra, with whom the Dapper Doggy found himself quite taken.  It would appear that love may be in the air.  They do make quite the perfect match!

The world renowned Gallant Guinea Pigs, whose latest line of fashion design was being sported by Lady Litchfield, were looking grand in bow ties, top hats, tie clips and bowlers.  All party attendants were in awe of their finesse and the fabulous team of Nibbles, Nutty, Buddy and Basil astounded everyone by offering, to the blogosphere, their talents for any future festivities whom anyone may be attending.

Sagacious Sammy, strode in with the confidence of a world leading Judge, decked out in his finest court robes.  He looked poised and elegant and immediately caught the eye of Shadow (who’s picture we cannot display as she refused to displace her perfect hair with a gown of any nature).  The little Charlatan Shadow would like, however, to convey to Judge Samuel Kimmell, her delight in having met such a handsome cat.

Sammy, for his part, soon forgot his legal background and changed into party gear, with the assistance of the Fab-Four Piggies and became the life and soul of the party, masquerading as Captain America.

Madame Misaki, elegantly draped in beautiful shades of blue, was one of the few who managed to retain her dignity during the festivities.  Empress Litchi was greatly impressed and thoroughly enjoyed her company, although she is wondering what might have happened to her Kong?

Every party has to have one!  The rule breaker.  Rebel Ruby provided the true shock factor for this affair, arriving perfectly naked!  Mollie had quite a time holding onto Easy at this point.  Rebel Ruby, in retrospect, was probably the cause of all the hilarity and general misdemeanors of what turned out to be quite the swinging party!  Thanks for bringing so much fun to all – Rebel Ruby!

And then, the moment Lady Litchfield, Empress of Bordeaux had been waiting for.  The arrival of Jetty the Gentleman!  Jaunty Jet arrived in the style of a true Gentledog, comfortably bearing his bow-tie with dignity and ease.  Lady Litchi was instantly smitten.  Her mysterious, dark haired rescue dog had finally arrived to quell her once aching heart.

At this point, as we are aware of the media desperately seeking out juicy stories, we can reveal little else but, if you look at the true delight and enchantment displayed by Litchi, I think one’s imagination can conjure up the rest!

LITCHI, BEARING HER PATRIOTIC COLOURS OF RED, WHITE AND BLUE, BOUNCING FOR JOY

Pawty Preparations

Lady Litchfield Love of Litchfield, Staffordshire and now Empress of Bordeaux, currently residing in her colony South Africa, hereby wishes to extend her apologies for the lack of substance contained in this post.

Although she prefers that I concentrate on the plight of rescue animals and, wherever possible, to supply our readers with “Happy Tail” follow ups, she has found it necessary to enlist my inadequate talents in assisting her with Party Preparations.

The Meandering Mollie Pawty will be held tomorrow evening and, as such, we find ourselves with a considerable number of tasks at hand.

Task # 1: Create suitable décor for the ambiance of the revelry

Hand Made Decorations – For That Personal Touch

Task # 2:              Review potential suitors

Sizing Up A Rather Rambunctious Red-Head

Tastk # 3:             Consider appropriate attire

This, we are informed, is unsuitable for public display, due to her new Titles.  The paparazzi are everywhere nowadays and she simply cannot risk a scandal at this stage

Plus – she doesn’t have any photo editing software with which to ensure that she is fully clothed at this point (a fact which her mother might well have paid attention to prior to deciding to throw a party in the first place).

Mothers – what a mess!