Tag Archives: Humour

Ramping it up for the Rescues

Yes, the other entries are splendogorous and splencatorious and not to forget splenpigorous but I’ve just found out (yes, I’m a little slow) that there are ACTUAL PRIZES to be won.

Now you know I’m not going to take a prize for this little menagerie.  No sirree!  If there are prizes to be given, they’ll go straight to an animal shelter.  Come on guys, it’s time to vote for a shelter to get a prize.

The Valentines Ball over at Mollie & Alfie is going magnificently.

Raffles is a most regal and handsome fellow but, bless his little curly socks, he is, of course, still a pup.  He started the proceedings looking like this:

Regal Raffles with Litchi in her "A La Poodle" hairstyle (courtesy of Raffles' Help)

Regal Raffles with Litchi in her “A La Poodle” hairstyle (courtesy of Raffles’ Help)

But soon found the decorations simply irresistible:

How can any pup, regal or not, be expected to ignore such delectable toys?

How can any pup, regal or not, be expected to ignore such delectable toys?

Litchi, whom many believe to be a true Lady but whose hidden nature is that of Manic Mania, joined in the fun like this:

Maniac Litchi trying to catch pieces of decor tossed about by Raffles

Maniac Litchi trying to catch pieces of decor tossed about by Raffles

Raffles, on having been admonished by the bouncers, retreated in shame to hide in the bushes:

Raffles, like any young one at their first party, landed up in the bushes!

Raffles, like any young one at their first party, landed up in the bushes!

But Litchi, knowing it was her duty as the “more mature” half of this couple, ran to her rescue, bribed the bouncers (she learnt that from Doggy) and ensured their return entry to the Ball:

Litchi rushes to Raffles Rescue

Litchi rushes to Raffles Rescue

Shadow and Coccolino also started the festivities in fine style:

Cocco, the true gentlepig, arrived with a cupcake gift when he collected Shadow

Cocco, the true gentlepig, arrived with a cupcake gift when he collected Shadow

But as the alcohol flowed, he managed to relieve another guest of their costume and give Shadow some good giggles along the way:

What girl wouldn't laugh at a man wearing pirate skulls for Valentines?

What girl wouldn’t laugh at a man wearing pirate skulls for Valentines?

Realising he was on to a good wicket, he sneaked Shadow off to teach her how to steal the best quality drinks on the sly:

Well, no cat is going to say "No" to some stolen, spiked milk

Well, no cat is going to say “No” to some stolen, spiked milk

But once the shenanigans were over, Cocco certainly put his best hoof forward and my, oh my, what an accomplished dancer he proved to be:

Now tell me, how could these two possibly not win King and Queen of the Ball?

Now tell me, how could these two possibly not win King and Queen of the Ball?

Moving onto the youngest attendee at the ball.  Little 8 week old Pixels and the two most utterly handsome dates in dogville, Scout and Teddy:

As the Lady we trust she will grow up to be, she donned a fabulous hat to match her Gentledog partners

As the Lady we trust she will grow up to be, she donned a fabulous hat to match her Gentledog partners

What kitty could say no to the perfect Black & White partners, sporting their top hats with style and grace?

Scout seemed really taken by Pixels and gave her his best Toothy Grin

Scout seemed really taken by Pixels and gave her his best Toothy Grin

To which Pixels replied with an:

Eeeeeek!

Eeeeeek!

But soon realised that these two stunners were nothing, if not caring, gentle, slobberbugs well worthy of her paw pats.

Enough jabbering – get yourselves off to Mollie & Alfie and cast your votes for King and Queen of the Ball and Best Dressed.

Again, I warn you, DO NOT look at the other entries.  They are spectacular and brain cells will instantly ignite into an inferno.

Remember, you are voting to get a Rescue Shelter a PRIZE.  You are voting for the DESTITUTE, the HOMELESS, the UNLOVED and ADORABLE!  This is YOUR CHANCE to make a DIFFERENCE IN THEIR LIVES!

PS – All photos of dates were maliciously stolen off their blogs.  They may sue me but would have to stand in line with the other 3258 other claimants.  We suspect your court date would be scheduled for around 2098.

The Rescue Animals of the World unite in saying THANK YOU!

61 Comments

Filed under Begging, Competition, Court Case, Litchi's Story, Party, Pixels, Rescue, Shadow, Valentines

Valentines Valuable Votes

Yes, we’re doing it again.  We need your votes in order to win in Mollie & Alfie’s fabulous Valentines Ball competition

Not to make you feel guilty or anything but your votes are not for us, they are for the poor, abandoned, abused and neglected pets of the world. 

Pixels at only 8 weeks old, already has Scout and Teddy (count that - 2 handsome dates!) for the ball

Pixels at only 8 weeks old, already has Scout and Teddy (count that – 2 handsome dates!) for the ball

Pixels: Been on this planet for a mere 8 weeks.  Lost her Mom at 6 weeks.  Been run over by a car.  Taken to the vet and X-Rayed.  Picked up by complete strangers (that’d be me).  Put in a home with strange cats and a dog.  Somehow, managed to organize 2, yes 2 handsome dates for Valentines Ball.  Apparently Scout and Teddy think she is hotness percatified!

Shadow with the most fun date on the PLANET, Cocco the mini pig (and a bum tickling cupcake)

Shadow with the most fun date on the PLANET, Cocco the mini pig (and a bum tickling cupcake)

Shadow: Lost her Mom at 4 weeks of age.  Got taken home by stranger (yes, me again).  Grew up to be simply stunningly beautiful.  Nabbed herself a seriously hot date with Coccolino the Mini Pig.  He’s so sweet he even made Shadow a cupcake for the date, which for reasons unbeknown to us, he appears to be using to brush Shadow’s hot little butt?!?

Litchi and the utterly to die for, handsome pup Raffles (so young and yet so dapper)

Litchi and the utterly to die for, handsome pup Raffles (so young and yet so dapper)

Litchi: Roamed the streets being neglected and badly treated for her first 6 months on earth.  Trusted no-one.  Got taken home by strange individual (gosh, could that be me again?).  Went from supposedly “people aggressive” to working with children, helping to teach them Dog Body Language.  Hit the jackpot and got a date with Raffles, the mighty handsome Standard Poodle Pup.  They make the perfect Black & White couple and Litchi, knowing that this would be Raffles first Ball attendance, ensured she’d make him feel comfortable by wearing a quite stunning wig to match Raffles’ curly fur.

What you need to do:

  1. Hop over to Mollie & Alfie’s before 3am (British Time).
  2. DO NOT get distracted by looking at any of the other awesome entries!!!
  3. To avoid letting yourself, your conscience and your country down, ignore the entire post and scroll immediately to the comments (you may go back and look after capturing your entirely biased vote).
  4. Vote for Sweetest Couple and Hottest Couple (obviously, we’re wanting one of these three in each)
  5. Vote by putting comment eg # 1 Pixels Scout and Teddy, # 2 Raffles and Litchi, # 3 Cocco and Shadow (or whatever order you would like – see, not all that biased as you are allowed to choose between these three).

The rescue animals of the world thank you!

Our incredible photographs and attire were generously done by:

Shadow and Cocco – Festooned by the incredible Mom, owned by the fabulous guinea pigs of Hutch A Good Life

Litchi and Raffles – Amazingly attired by Raffles’ Help from The Princess Tails

Pixels, Scout and Teddy – Adorned by Scout and Teddy’s slave over at Dogs n Pawz

My eternal thanks to the handsome dates and their slaves/help/producers.

52 Comments

Filed under Begging, Competition, Valentines

Kitty Yoga

For your quick Monday smile, Pixels would hereby like to demonstrate one of the best known Kitty Yoga positions – Lick Your Toes:

KITTY YOGA

KITTY YOGA

HA, HA!! BET YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

HA, HA!! BET YOU CAN’T DO THAT!

As you can see, she’s proving to be quite the naughty little minx.

110 Comments

Filed under Adoptions, Kitty Yoga, Pixels, Rescue

What’s a DOG?!

Right Pixels, it’s time to meet The Dog

NO !!!

NO !!!

Really Pixels, don’t pull tongues, it’s not lady like.  Just come on out and meet her.

I said NO !!!

I said NO !!!

Oh Pixels, it’s just Litchi – she’s a sweetie.

But I'm feeling a bit shy

But I’m feeling a bit shy

Go on, do it for Mommy

Alright then, where is she?

Alright then, where is she?

OK, I'm coming out now

OK, I’m coming out now

Hello Litchi

Hello Litchi

So, that's a DOG

So, that’s a DOG

Can I give you a kiss, then?

Can I give you a kiss, then?

Ah, my Litchi Love, you are such a good girl!

Alright, that was fun but can I please go back to sleep now?

Alright, that was fun but can I please go back to sleep now?

Excuse the blurs but phone cameras are not great at movement shots.  As for the rest, I must say I’m quite pleased with my phone!

 

 

 

 

 

154 Comments

Filed under Adoptions, Litchi's Story, Pixels

Life’s breezy with Easy – World Cruise Day 2

Her nobleness, Lady Litchifield Love, of Litchfield Staffordshire (currently residing in her fiefdom South Africa, though also known as Empress of Bordeaux) had, as some of you may be aware, been most devastated by being forsaken by the Errant Easy, who somewhat maliciously ran off with Mollie during what Litchi had assumed to be their courtship. 

Easy, being…well…easy, has once again returned to his dutiful role at Litchi’s side, having requested her companionship on his extremely well planned out World Cruise.  If you haven’t yet read about the general shenanigans, I would highly suggest you pop over HERE, to read all about WC Day 1.

It’s now Day 2, with a most splendid itinerary and some holiday snaps for which the newspapers are bound to pay millions.

We left Paris and tried to see the Eternal City – Rome. Unfortunately our globe was stolen in the French METRO – so we had to find our way without navigation systems. But we are dogs and not humans, who needs a GPS to find themselves and so we arrived a  Mountain with a hole…

hole

I was right – but even in the Eternal City, not all is for eternity… some things could be very short here, especially your life, if you land at the wrong place in Rome…

gladiator

… better cut and run! …literally…

Our next destination was India. Here we took an elephant-shower before we spent the night in the world famous Taj-Mahal – I’m glad dad’s bank has such a sense of humor…and we decided to take the president’s suite…

w8

 

mahal

Our tour, obviously (no idea why), then led us to Australia. The warm welcome of the natives was overwhelming…

kangoro

.. and we learned to jump like a kangaroo…

crocodile

…and now we know what these yellow signs mean…

Our next stop was China. Here all is possible, even a ride on a  Dragon…

dragon

 

… first we had some problems with the chinese flatware – but later we were fed up and our nose and ears were clean too – think they call it “multitasking”

chinfood1

After all this adventures it was time to go back home. We’ve  booked a cabin on a luxury yacht with a funny name and fortunately  the way aboard was very short …

carwatwer

 

… the name smells a little to us.. but what’s in a name?

furt

We hope you had some fun with us and  maybe you want to join  us for our next tour …

He may not be the Royals first choice for “gentleman” of the year but my word, how could Litchi ever say “No” to a man who can organise a trip such as this?  Thanks Easy, errant or not, you are one clever mutt!

 

91 Comments

Filed under Easy, Litchi's Story, World Cruise

Dog Diet

With Christmas well on its way, we all need a good diet to follow.  I was sent this via email and have no idea to whom credit should be given but, as per usual, I shall share it anyway.

For my international readers, two quick points of reference:

Checkers – a local supermarket chain

Epol – a popular brand of dog food (maybe it’s international – who knows – who cares?)

“Yesterday, I was at my local Checkers, buying a large bad of Epol dog food for my loyal pet.  Whilst in the checkout queue (line, for the Americans), a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?”

This is a DOG (just in case anyone was a bit confused already).

This is a DOG (just in case anyone was a bit confused already).

“What did she think I had – an elephant?”

This is an ELEPHANT.  It doesn't look much like a DOG

This is an ELEPHANT. It doesn’t look much like a DOG

“So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Epol Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because last time I ended up in hospital (after having lost 20 kilos) and woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet.   The way that it works is to load your pockets with Epol nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (By now, practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her “No”, I stepped off the pavement to sniff a Bull Terriers arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I’m now banned from Checkers.”

99 Comments

Filed under joke

Financial Suicide – Is It Going Too Far?

Do you job right and this could be Doggy’s new home!

As Standard Operating Procedures go, I would have to say “Yes”.  Financial Suicide should never be ones primary aim.  However, in Doggy’s case, his attempt at self inflicted ruin is for Movember.  Doggy has promised to donate 50c for every comment he receives on This Post.  Not only that but he’s also managed to get a private donor to match his donations.  He is only 25 comments away from his goal so, if you haven’t yet commented, please pop over and do so.  Help Doggy to be relegated to living in a cardboard box.  It’s your public duty!

Could you deny this face a treat?

Whilst you’re over there, bask in the sunshine of the Blogville spirit, where The Lonely Dogs have kindly agreed to join me in the quest to win and donate to Battersea Animal Shelter, in Doggy’s Greatest Blog Contest of All Time.  If you have not yet voted and are still feeling the guilt well up due to my previous post, know that you still have time and you now have two choices, both my entry and that of The Lonely Dogs.  If either entry wins, the beautiful but treat deprived animals of Battersea Animal Shelter, will be given treats from Mollie’s Dog Treats

How about this beauty? Could you really say “No” to this?

One comment, one vote and you’ve performed both your public and animal duty!

51 Comments

Filed under Begging, Competition, Rescue

Can a Cat be as Big as a Queen?

Now we all know that a “Cat can look at a King” and one would, therefore, assume that a Cat can look at a Queen but I ask you “Where’s a Mom supposed to sleep?“.

It’s a Queen Size Bed!

Since when can a cat stretch to That Length?

It’s supposed to be my bed as well, you know!

 

 

123 Comments

Filed under Sabre

Magnificent Moggy Mania

It’s Animal Shelter Appreciation week – a perfect time to start the “Rescue Reveal” feature (thanks I Love Dogs for the heads up).  Magnificent Mutt Mania has been posted  on Time To Train Your Dog.  So my site will, today, deal with cats.

I’m adopted, I’m beautiful and I can sleep peacefully now!

Yes I know, a specific Shelter has not been mentioned.  Our first installment highlights the benefits of acquiring a rescue cat.  And yes, I know the title is as misleading as my wayward brain.  Of course all rescue cats are NOT MOGGYs.  There are often pure breeds in as much need of a home as the little bundles of mixed up genes but, let’s be fair, I had to call it something.

Now, I could get all serious here, retyping everything I already posted at Time To Train Your Dog (which, I might tell you, is devoid of my usual nonsense and is unlikely to be visible as they probably haven’t even seen it yet) but we all know I lack the energy and will power.  If you are serious about adopting a cat, I hereby suggest that you pop over to a dog site (which makes utter sense) and simply convert each sentence with the word dog or puppy to cat or kitten.  That’s far easier!

For now, we’ll give you the points in brief form:

  1. Toddlers and Kittens = explosion.  Sharp teeth, claws and exuberant antics hurt like hell.
  2. Kitten = baby.  Baby = hard work.  Food for kitten usually = have to have a job = no time for kitten.  Maybe consider an older cat.
  3. You need to feel good about yourself.  Adopt a cat and you’ll know you’ve given the best possible gift to an animal in distress.  Your loving, forever home makes you the Hero – golly, that feels good!
  4. They’re usually litter-box trained – your house smells better – this is good!
  5. Oh alright then, you still want a kitten cause it’s cute and cuddly and a fur-ball of fun.  That’s OK – there are tons of kittens needing good homes.  Go get one of them.
  6. Brilliant – you decided against the kitten an opted to be the Biggest Hero of the day, rescuing an adult cat.  This is better than good.  You get to see what the personality is like, right up front – no sudden surprises when your kitten grows up to think it’s a tiger.
  7. Variety – oh, the spice of life.  Shelters = more options than you ever thought possible.  Variety is good, spice is good, choice is good, therefore, shelters are good!  Oh and don’t forget, goofballs are good and shelters are full of those.
  8. You can believe that your cat will be eternally grateful to you for having rescued it.  Of course, it’s a cat, so it probably won’t but, go on, kid yourself anyway.  To understand why your cat will not behave like a rescue dog, please hop over to One Spoiled Cat where you will find Rules For The Cat which is both classic and too true for comfort.
  9. If you choose a moggy, it may well be healthier, suffering from fewer breed specific ailments.  Then again, it might not but who said life came with any guarantees?
  10. This feature is for No-Kill Shelters which, if no-one adopts, will obviously be overrun.  So, give yourself a big pat on the back, knowing that you not only saved one cats life but also made space for others to be rescued.  My word, you are doing well on brownie points now.
  11. The brass tax – it costs less to adopt than to buy from a reputable breeder.  So, you’ve saved multiple animals, earned brownie points and it cost you less money.  Where’s the argument then?

Adopted, beautiful and will be sleeping peacefully any minute now!

Seriously – give adoption a thought.

Further Rescue Reveal posts will highlight specific No-Kill Shelters from around the globe.  If you wish to add a shelter or group that you know are doing a fabulous job, simply pop the info into a comment or email me at longlife@dcrprocess.co.za

If you want to see that I am actually capable of writing a serious post and, of course, if you are a doggy person, hop over to Time To Train Your Dog. 

Adopted, beautiful and too busy causing trouble to worry about sleep!

I look forward to hearing from this fabulous Global Community of ours.

76 Comments

Filed under Adoptions, Rescue, Rescue Reveal

How To Train A Gremlin – Part 2: Essential Training Methodologies

Having ascertained you are hosting the sub-species Gremlin Edo-Manduco-Interneto (loosely translated – Gremlin Eat Chew Internet), you may now use the following Idiots Guide to Gremlin Training to tame the beast.

Gremlin in Halloween Costume. I wouldn’t really have thought it necessary!

Step 1 – contact “mobile company”.  Inform them you have absolutely no internet connection.  Plead with them, as you have lost weeks of work.  DO NOT tell them your major concern is a lack of blogging ability (they will not take you seriously.  Lie blatantly if required).

Step 2 – follow gazillions of pointless directions from call desk operator.  You have tried these routes.  They Do Not work!  But, in the interest of humanity, give the guy a chance to feel like he is useful.  Complete call knowing you have achieved nothing!

Note: You may skip points one and two as they are utterly pointless!

Step 3 – get hubby to contact “mobile company”.  Leave premises!  This is going to be ugly.

Step 4 – receive call from “mobile company”.  Call should go as follows:

“Hello, my name is “S”, are you going to shout at me?”

Me “I left that up to my husband.  I just want some internet connection.”

S “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be able to hear you”

Me “That’s because there is no network reception!”

S “I still can’t hear you.  You seem to be breaking up.” No lies dude!

Me “Exactly!  It’s because I HAVE NO RECEPTION!”  I might just be shouting at this point but he can’t hear me so it doesn’t count.

S “Do you have a landline I could phone you on?”

Me – provides landline number

Step 5 – receive call from “mobile company” on your landline?!?

S “Oh, that’s much better.  I can hear you now”

Me “Yes!  Are you beginning to understand my problem?”

S – very nervous giggle.  “We are going to organize a booster for you”

Me “Fantastic.  When I can get this?”

S “This may take some time.  There are many procedures to go through”

Me “Brilliant.  I shall forgo all work for an indefinite period whilst you go through your procedures!

S “Thank you for your understanding.  Have a good day.”

What?? “Have a good day” when my arms and legs have been viciously mauled by a Gremlin and I am now a rolly polly hopeless body of blub?

Step 6 – wait a minimum of a week for urgent booster installation.  Hmm, the joys of Africa!

That completes our in-depth study of Gremlin Behaviour and Training Techniques.  We’re Back! 

Now for the catch-up!  Wish me luck.

59 Comments

Filed under Gremlin