How To Train A Gremlin – Part 2: Essential Training Methodologies

Having ascertained you are hosting the sub-species Gremlin Edo-Manduco-Interneto (loosely translated – Gremlin Eat Chew Internet), you may now use the following Idiots Guide to Gremlin Training to tame the beast.

Gremlin in Halloween Costume. I wouldn’t really have thought it necessary!

Step 1 – contact “mobile company”.  Inform them you have absolutely no internet connection.  Plead with them, as you have lost weeks of work.  DO NOT tell them your major concern is a lack of blogging ability (they will not take you seriously.  Lie blatantly if required).

Step 2 – follow gazillions of pointless directions from call desk operator.  You have tried these routes.  They Do Not work!  But, in the interest of humanity, give the guy a chance to feel like he is useful.  Complete call knowing you have achieved nothing!

Note: You may skip points one and two as they are utterly pointless!

Step 3 – get hubby to contact “mobile company”.  Leave premises!  This is going to be ugly.

Step 4 – receive call from “mobile company”.  Call should go as follows:

“Hello, my name is “S”, are you going to shout at me?”

Me “I left that up to my husband.  I just want some internet connection.”

S “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be able to hear you”

Me “That’s because there is no network reception!”

S “I still can’t hear you.  You seem to be breaking up.” No lies dude!

Me “Exactly!  It’s because I HAVE NO RECEPTION!”  I might just be shouting at this point but he can’t hear me so it doesn’t count.

S “Do you have a landline I could phone you on?”

Me – provides landline number

Step 5 – receive call from “mobile company” on your landline?!?

S “Oh, that’s much better.  I can hear you now”

Me “Yes!  Are you beginning to understand my problem?”

S – very nervous giggle.  “We are going to organize a booster for you”

Me “Fantastic.  When I can get this?”

S “This may take some time.  There are many procedures to go through”

Me “Brilliant.  I shall forgo all work for an indefinite period whilst you go through your procedures!”

S “Thank you for your understanding.  Have a good day.”

What?? “Have a good day” when my arms and legs have been viciously mauled by a Gremlin and I am now a rolly polly hopeless body of blub?

Step 6 – wait a minimum of a week for urgent booster installation.  Hmm, the joys of Africa!

That completes our in-depth study of Gremlin Behaviour and Training Techniques.  We’re Back! 

Now for the catch-up!  Wish me luck.

How To Train A Gremlin – Part 1: The Physiology and Ethology of Gremlins

I hereby pronounce myself The Gremlin Whisperer.  After having studied these misunderstood creatures for a stupendous amount of time (well, about 3 weeks now), I can impart the following essential information:

Gremlins are very really seen.  This is not because they are shy or afraid (quite the opposite, in fact).  It is due to their astonishing speed.  This speed rendered my camera completely useless but, through utter dedication to the cause, I managed to gather data from brief glimpses and have sketched my rendition of a police identification drawing.

 

THE GREMLIN

Diet:

• The Gremlins primary source of sustenance is Internet Connection Bandwidth.  It has an insatiable appetite and feeds consistently throughout the day and night.  Its metabolism appears to allow it to survive with little sleep, requiring only brief naps.  Nap duration ranges between a few seconds to a maximum of 2 minutes.

Fur:

• Although at a quick glance, it might appear that a Gremlin has fur, do not be fooled!  Rather, they possess a covering of metallic-like spikes which grow in all directions.  This allows the fur to attract bandwidth signal from any internet connection within its vicinity.

Tongue:

• A Gremlins tongue is covered with octopus like suckers.  The tongue is used to suction the internet connection off the metallic fur spikes on which has been captured.  I have spent many weeks maliciously hoping that it would at least hurt itself on the needle sharp spikes but to no avail.  I have to deduce that the tongue is very leathery and immune to punctures.

Teeth:

• The Gremlins teeth are forked, assisting in the prevention of tongue injury.  The forked teeth scrape the spikes, bringing internet connection towards their surface, allowing the tongues’ suckers to safely suction it in.

The Gremlins generally vicious nature renders it extremely difficult to train.  I do believe, however, that it can be achieved and am in the process of performing this daunting task.

There is not, unfortunately, a “quick fix” method and I fear that it may still be some time before I have connectivity reliable enough to allow me to perform more than a simple “like” on anyone’s blog, or to reply to any comments which I have received.  All comments and replies I attempt, get instantly sucked into the Gremlins fur and consumed with utter delight.  A delighted Gremlin is a very scary sight!

This post is, once again, composed in Word, with the hope that I can do a quick “copy and paste” during a ritual nap.  It remains to be seen.

I, therefore, request the patience of my blogging friends as my apparent rudeness continues.  Once training is complete, a massive “catch up” exercise shall begin and all shall be rectified.

A detailed step by step Gremlin Training Guide will follow in the next post.

Wishing you all a fabulous and Gremlin Free weekend!

Gremlins are animals too, you know!

This blog is about animals.  Animals in need, to be precise.  Gremlins must, therefore, be animals, for today they are the subject of my post.

To all the splendiferous blogs who may be feeling somewhat neglected and un-patronized lately, please understand that I am currently the recipient of a very large Gremlin, who must be in need, as he has set up residence here.

I have trained dogs before.  One Sunday my dear, long suffering Mother, taking one look at the latest “forever” cat, said “well, you can’t train cats, you know!”  By the following weekend, when she braved the zoo, I had trained the cat to “sit”, “look at the sky” and “look at my face”, all nicely performed, on command.

You’d think, therefore, that a Gremlin would pose little problem.  You would be wrong!

As part of my initiative to provide information on as many species as I encounter, I can now officially inform you that Gremlins Are Not Trainable!  They Do Not Listen!

My current, rather stubborn-minded (nearly said pig-minded, until I remembered I actually like pigs) Gremlin, visited me well over a week ago.  It is still here.  It has not informed me as to the nature of its need dilemma.  It does not appear to need food as my kitchen is still in one piece.  Love and cuddles do not appear to be a requirement.  I have put much effort into re-homing it, finding many suitable forever homes but it steadfastly refuses to leave.  It would appear that for the foreseeable future, my zoo shall encompass a Gremlin.

I have ascertained its particular likes.  It has a fondness, not for food, but for the consumption of internet connection.  It seems to feed constantly though the day.  A little bit like a cat, I guess.  Gremlins like to nibble away steadily.  Unlike cats, they do not take breaks for general ablutions or “the crazies” game time.  They are, however, much like cats in their hunting ability.  Their stealth is astonishing, allowing internet connection to briefly show itself, begin to feel quietly comfortable before being Pounced upon and killed in one swipe.

These never before researched facts about Gremlins are important for the following reasons:

• The blogs I love will think I have deserted them
  • This is not the case.  Whilst the Gremlin is still in “prowl” mode, I jump onto a site, read like a demon possessed librarian and hit the “like” button with the speed of a chameleon’s tongue.  Sometimes I’m lucky.
• The blogs which manage to avoid the savages of the Gremlin and acquire themselves a “like” are, as always, supposed to have received a comment.
• It would appear that I have yet to master typing at the speed of a chameleon’s tongue.
  • Firstly, had I have done so, the chances are that I would be making far too much money doing something with that skill to be blogging at all.
  • Secondly, the blogs I read would have seen comments which, for the most part, is simply not happening.
• Any comment received in the past week have been typed and “posted” so many times that I nearly forget what site I’m reading, let alone what I was trying to say.

Please do not think me rude.  I am reading all the posts.  I simply require the assistance of a Gremlin Whisperer in order to let you know I have done so.  So, whilst I tend and care for my new Gremlin, I hereby give up on commenting.  If you get a “like”, consider yourself very fortunate indeed (maybe buy a lotto ticket – it is definitely your lucky day!).  If you do not, please have blind faith that I have read your post.  For those who have not read this post, I’m afraid there is little I can do to let you know.  Then again, if they have not read this, then I guess I have no real reason to feel guilt.

Whilst I await my Gremlin Whispered, please promise me 2 things.

• Firstly, that you will accept a simply “like” as a clever, witty and probably hilarious comment in response to your brilliance.
• Secondly, that you will visit me in the loony-bin, to which I am rapidly heading.

(This post has been typed in word and, hopefully, copied into WordPress.  It has no pictures, as Gremlins appear to find these particularly delicious.  I have no idea when it might appear as I have yet to successfully judge a Gremlins appetite).

5hrs 15min since first attempt to post this.