Having ascertained you are hosting the sub-species Gremlin Edo-Manduco-Interneto (loosely translated – Gremlin Eat Chew Internet), you may now use the following Idiots Guide to Gremlin Training to tame the beast.
Step 1 – contact “mobile company”. Inform them you have absolutely no internet connection. Plead with them, as you have lost weeks of work. DO NOT tell them your major concern is a lack of blogging ability (they will not take you seriously. Lie blatantly if required).
Step 2 – follow gazillions of pointless directions from call desk operator. You have tried these routes. They Do Not work! But, in the interest of humanity, give the guy a chance to feel like he is useful. Complete call knowing you have achieved nothing!
Note: You may skip points one and two as they are utterly pointless!
Step 3 – get hubby to contact “mobile company”. Leave premises! This is going to be ugly.
Step 4 – receive call from “mobile company”. Call should go as follows:
“Hello, my name is “S”, are you going to shout at me?”
Me “I left that up to my husband. I just want some internet connection.”
S “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be able to hear you”
Me “That’s because there is no network reception!”
S “I still can’t hear you. You seem to be breaking up.” No lies dude!
Me “Exactly! It’s because I HAVE NO RECEPTION!” I might just be shouting at this point but he can’t hear me so it doesn’t count.
S “Do you have a landline I could phone you on?”
Me – provides landline number
Step 5 – receive call from “mobile company” on your landline?!?
S “Oh, that’s much better. I can hear you now”
Me “Yes! Are you beginning to understand my problem?”
S – very nervous giggle. “We are going to organize a booster for you”
Me “Fantastic. When I can get this?”
S “This may take some time. There are many procedures to go through”
Me “Brilliant. I shall forgo all work for an indefinite period whilst you go through your procedures!”
S “Thank you for your understanding. Have a good day.”
What?? “Have a good day” when my arms and legs have been viciously mauled by a Gremlin and I am now a rolly polly hopeless body of blub?
Step 6 – wait a minimum of a week for urgent booster installation. Hmm, the joys of Africa!
That completes our in-depth study of Gremlin Behaviour and Training Techniques. We’re Back!
Now for the catch-up! Wish me luck.