How To Train A Gremlin – Part 1: The Physiology and Ethology of Gremlins

I hereby pronounce myself The Gremlin Whisperer.  After having studied these misunderstood creatures for a stupendous amount of time (well, about 3 weeks now), I can impart the following essential information:

Gremlins are very really seen.  This is not because they are shy or afraid (quite the opposite, in fact).  It is due to their astonishing speed.  This speed rendered my camera completely useless but, through utter dedication to the cause, I managed to gather data from brief glimpses and have sketched my rendition of a police identification drawing.

 

THE GREMLIN

Diet:

  • The Gremlins primary source of sustenance is Internet Connection Bandwidth.  It has an insatiable appetite and feeds consistently throughout the day and night.  Its metabolism appears to allow it to survive with little sleep, requiring only brief naps.  Nap duration ranges between a few seconds to a maximum of 2 minutes.

Fur:

  • Although at a quick glance, it might appear that a Gremlin has fur, do not be fooled!  Rather, they possess a covering of metallic-like spikes which grow in all directions.  This allows the fur to attract bandwidth signal from any internet connection within its vicinity.

Tongue:

  • A Gremlins tongue is covered with octopus like suckers.  The tongue is used to suction the internet connection off the metallic fur spikes on which has been captured.  I have spent many weeks maliciously hoping that it would at least hurt itself on the needle sharp spikes but to no avail.  I have to deduce that the tongue is very leathery and immune to punctures.

Teeth:

  • The Gremlins teeth are forked, assisting in the prevention of tongue injury.  The forked teeth scrape the spikes, bringing internet connection towards their surface, allowing the tongues’ suckers to safely suction it in.

The Gremlins generally vicious nature renders it extremely difficult to train.  I do believe, however, that it can be achieved and am in the process of performing this daunting task.

There is not, unfortunately, a “quick fix” method and I fear that it may still be some time before I have connectivity reliable enough to allow me to perform more than a simple “like” on anyone’s blog, or to reply to any comments which I have received.  All comments and replies I attempt, get instantly sucked into the Gremlins fur and consumed with utter delight.  A delighted Gremlin is a very scary sight!

This post is, once again, composed in Word, with the hope that I can do a quick “copy and paste” during a ritual nap.  It remains to be seen.

I, therefore, request the patience of my blogging friends as my apparent rudeness continues.  Once training is complete, a massive “catch up” exercise shall begin and all shall be rectified.

A detailed step by step Gremlin Training Guide will follow in the next post.

Wishing you all a fabulous and Gremlin Free weekend!

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60 Comments

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60 responses to “How To Train A Gremlin – Part 1: The Physiology and Ethology of Gremlins

  1. We are right behind ya girl..Large box of Valium on it’s way 🙂 I like the smiley face on my blog.. Will mail later…As they say, you can’t keep a good gal down…So watch out Gremlins!!!!!! xx00xxx
    Mollie and Alfie

  2. Well you certainly have a most persistent case of gremlinitis that’s for sure! however, it sounds like the exhaustive research you have conducted just might lead to a PERMANENT solution! We wish you well on your voyage of discovery!!! Meanwhile, never fear, we are awaiting your return with patient brains and hope in our hearts……….

    Pam (and Sam)

  3. Gremlins! Yikes. I’m pretty sure I’m afraid of them. I hope they never come to my house. They’re too darn spikey, forky, and metallic.

    Love and licks and *gulp*,
    Cupcake

  4. Hey Lady Litchi, Hey Boks, Jet here. Hi Miss Susan.

    Wowee wow wow, what an artist you are! Your scientific breakdown of the Gremlin should surely interest global professionals. The details will most certainly help in developing a treatment and hopefully, a cure.

    Would you prefer an assault? a proactive attack?

    BTW, we construct our posts in word as well and then transfer to WP, with the exception of pics.

    Please take good care. We stand beside you.

    Sending Jetty kisses and JJ hugs of support and empathy. 🙂

    • Thanks so much for hanging in there during our Gremlin invasion. If only I’d been able to get a message out, I’d have requested the full blown assault you offered.
      At least I’m finally back up and running. Now just have to play the massive catch-up game. It’s a lot more fun than not being able to comment at all, though 🙂

  5. Thank you for a comprehensive explanation on Gremlins. They appear to keep attacking the guinea pig forum our Mummy is addicted to. Seriously, she is getting withdrawl symptoms!

    Does anyone know how to kill a gremlin?

    Nibbles, Nutty, Buddy & Basil
    xxxx

    ps. If Gremlins are a protected species then who at the council can help us remove them?! 😉

  6. Thought that was our Oscar for a minute 🙂

  7. rubytheairedale

    Oh Noes. Those Gremlins are just AWFUL!! I hopes you figure out how to gets rid of them furever!!

    Kisses,

    Ruby

  8. I have discovered that the gremlins you mention may be bred by CMEs exiting the sun. CMEs arrive on earth in a few days. The solar wind interacts with the earth magnetic field giving rise to Aurora Borealis and also Gremlins, AKA as “interference” : there is science with that gremlin madness…

    • Well finally! Someone with genuine scientific knowledge of the hell I have been enduring. Thank you! I must admit that it had not occurred to me to associate my Gremlin with the Aurora Borealis but there you go, you learn something new every day 😀

  9. Horrors! I do hope no one feels a need to import gremlins to my neighborhood! I hope you are able to get them trained quickly, before your sanity is at peril.

  10. I am pretty sure that I don’t want any gremlins. Hoping you get this worked out soon. Must be driving you to distraction!

  11. You’ll be an expert Gremlin trainer in no time!
    Seriously, good luck…3 weeks, ouch!

  12. This is clearly a Gremlin who trained long and hard in the early days of the species by chewing large holes in WW2 aircraft, sucking up aircraft fuel, and breaking bits off various parts of them. Now their amusements have become more sophisticated, have they not? 🙂

    • That’s a brilliant thought. In my desperation to train the bugger, I quite forgot to study their history. Definitely WW2 consumers, they were! Never fear, though – there’s no keeping me down! Gremlin is hopefully beaten 😀

  13. Gosh, I must’ve seen a Gremlin just today, but I didn’t realize it!! Thanks for the Gremlin Guide!!

  14. The Procuer has one son living in Jakarta, Indonesia and another shortly moving to Ethiopia. Gremlins love those places so we know what you mean!
    You could make a fortune being a Gremlin whisperer, you would be in high demand.

  15. I hope the Gremilins stay away and don’t come here. We think they might like Halloween!

    Happy catch up. Hailey and Zaphod

  16. That was most informative. Looking forward to part 2. Have a super Gremlin free Saturday.
    Best wishes Molly

    • Had a fantastic weekend with best friend visiting from Aussie (wouldn’t have been on the blog anyway, so didn’t miss it). Now I am pleased to announce that I’m back on line and managed to miss full-blown insanity status – YIPPEE!!

  17. LOL in last time we use always copy&paste – better than kicked out by wordpress and/or the fire(d)fox in an endless loup ;o)

  18. Sorry to hear about the gremlins, hope you figure out how to great rid of them!

  19. HooOOOOooWWWWwLLLLLLLLL====LOL!! ROTFL ;D 😉 Oh dear! How am I supposed to achieve anything useful tonight after howling my way through this post!! lol 🙂 And that’s an awesome gremlin pic!! It looks like we’re pretty much the only ones who are targeted by the internet connection gremlins…must be a new breed of gremlin – the mobile broadband i/net connection gremlin strain 😉 They’re particularly prone to growing in strength and prowess during times of bad weather…like when the skies are nice and clear and not a cloud in sight to block the signal etc etc…though of course cloudy rainy skies are also a highly proficient excuse to gremlinise the connection too 😀

    I must add that there is also a further strain of internet connection gremlin…yes really…it’s known as the “Live Writer Internet Connection Gremlin Extrordinaire” It wreaks havoc on nightmarish dimensions whenever you’re stupid enough to think you should be able to upload a blog post in Live Writer. It not only frequently causes Live Writer to crash and lose the post at the precise moment you were about to save it but it will spend hours ensuring your post never actually uploads to W/P in the first place unless you make roughly 12 attempts and use up all your bandwidth in the process. This leads either to a huge bill because it uploaded but took you way over your allowance without mentioning it or it forces you to give up and bury your snout in your paws and cry into smoking keyboard 🙂 😀

    • Oh dear – I’m sorry to hear you are suffering the broadband gremlin strain as well but quite glad to find out I’m not entirely alone 😉 I appear to have trained mine fairly well, at the moment but intend continuing with doing all posts in Word first and then using the copy/paste technique, which at least means I have my post still after the Gremlin devours the on line version. Their appetite really is quite mind boggling! Hope you manage to train yours. If not, I promise to visit you in the loony-bin 😀

      • I have my strait jacket hanging off the side of the laptop screen 😀 I seem to have them under control for now…I tend to do my posts in word then copy/paste into Live Writer, usually leading to much cursing and swearing as hours have to be spent re-arranging everything in it, re-posting several times when it doesn’t load up the same way – Live Writer gremlins…and that’s assuming the gremlins don’t hack the upload and cause it to inexplicably fail…several times…wasting precious bandwidth and fraying temper to limits 😉 Not to mention keeping me up far too late waiting for it! Those gremlins really do have an insatiable appetite! See you in the loony bin, I too am kind of pleased to know I’m not alone…and I loved your post it was hilarious!

  20. The Gremlin looks like an electric menace….backing away slowly…

  21. Maybe you can find some gremlin nip, let it sniff it and maybe it will get SO happy, it will actually leave your computer alone. 🙂

    • The only Gremlin Nip I’ve been able to find is my internet connection, which is seems to be delighted with! Anyway, training seems to be going remarkably well at the moment and I have avoided severe degrees of insanity. Thanks for hanging in there with me 🙂

  22. Susan, whenever I see a happy face on a comment from you I literally burst on laughs, I’m loving your minimalist period hahahahaha
    I hope you get all that sorted out soon, till then I’ll keep laughing at the happy faces.

    • So glad you understood Doggy! It’s been a nightmare but I’ve managed to miss full-blown insanity by a hairs breath! Hopefully this marks the end of my minimalist period. Might go for cubism now but don’t know if they have square emoticons? 😀

  23. Oops – I hope it hasn’t turned out that the Gremlins have trained YOU, and you are now sitting up and begging on command …

  24. I hope you get those Gremlins sorted out soon!

  25. That is one of the scariest gremlins I’ve ever seen! It sounds like it’s part vampire. Maybe a nice garlic necklace would help.

  26. Granny and I are only love Gizmo, he’s sweet and not a horror who’s taken over the whole internet. You know he almost caught us too this morning, but thank Cat we could fix it 🙂

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